This page includes my own little sayings for fun and posterity (no, not prosperity!). These are all original to me, as far as I know.
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Without C, we would have to program in Basi, obol, ++, or Pasal. As for an Assembler programmer, he would be lost without his precious MVC command.
If we were built to program in binary and hexadecimal, why don't we have four fingers on each hand instead of five? That way, this Web site would occupy about 5 MegaHands instead of 5 MegaBytes. Oops! I forgot about the parity bit! Make that four fingers on the left hand and five on the right.
About the rumor that Microsoft hired Witches to program SpellChecker in hexadecimal code? Well, it's almost true, except that they're called Wiccans now.
Why are the Olympic Games sponsored by a dealer of one of its 500 restricted drugs: Coca-Cola?
How can you help hasten the day that you have mandatory drug testing in your workplace (with no right of appeal)? Support the Olympic Games.
Join the Airforce. Kill people without ever seeing the whites of their eyes.
Society will never be totally civilized until the next B1 bomber has to be financed through cookie sales.
The Charter of Rights would have guaranteed your rights -- but only notwithstanding the notwithstanding clause.
What do Quebec and the Balkans have in common? They both want to be separate and ethnically pure.
What do Israelis and Palestinians have in common? Racial and religious prejudice. What do they not have in common? USA subsidies to Israel (only $3,000 million vs $75 million) -- right or wrong.
Why was ethnic cleansing invented long before bodily cleansing?
Why should a single mother on welfare expecting her fourth child complain to the government about not enough welfare payments? Why doesn't she complain to one of the fathers instead?
Why do farmers grow wheat if the price is so low -- at, say $3 per bushel? Why don't they grow orchids instead -- at $50 per bushel? A crop by any other name might smell even sweeter. Anyone for Grape Nut Petals for breakfast?
How do you arrange for fifty sports fans to trample themselves to death? Sell 80,000 tickets to a soccer game in a stadium that seats only 50,000 people. There are thoughts of making it an Olympic event. The TV networks are drooling at the prospects. It would draw even more viewers than the execution of Tim McVey.
Are people who are against antibiotics pro-biotic, or probiotic, or . . . ?
If gruntled is the antonym of disgruntled (it is!), why isn't antifessional the antonym of professional?
Why is something that is inflammable also flammable?
All that litters is usually not gold.
When Nero fiddled as Rome burned, did he play "Nero my God to Thee"? Or was it "Nero: I'm God to Thee"?
If fingers and toes are so organic, why are they digital?
If you doodle using pencils instead of paint, is the writing on the wall called graphiti instead of graffiti?
Why is Mountain Street in Montreal also signed as rue de la montagne (street of the mountain)? In this case, Mountain does not mean a high hill, it is named in honor of a Mr. Mountain.
Why is the lettering on a stop sign in Quebec Arret, whereas in Paris it is Stop? Je pense que je sais pourquois.
How do neuron cells communicate? By cell phone, I think.
What do you call someone who walks around using a fake mobile phone? A mobile phoney.
What do you call someone who receives a call on his mobile phone? A mobile phonee.
What do you call someone who does not like to use e-mail? An e-mail chauvinist.
What do Wisconsin and Ireland have in common? One's a dairy state. The other's a 'Derry state.
Ancestry is the root of all Genealogy.
I was going to take the assertiveness course, but I was afraid to ask about it.
I was going to do it today, except that something unexpected came up this morning -- the sun.
Reality is all that you're left with when you come out of a hallucination.
I like cats too. They taste just like chicken.
If you're desperate for love, play tennis -- badly.
If Volkswagens are reverse-engineered from UFOs, are UFOs reverse-engineered from Ferraris?
Today feels just like the day after yesterday.
Don't honk if you don't care.
Don't honk if you don't like noise pollution.
Don't honk if you're not a goose.
Help limit pollution and Global Swarming. Don't have any babies!
If a husband sued his wife for secretly getting a tubal ligation, would it amount to a case of tubal litigation?
If rap music is that contagious, eventually no one will lift their feet when they walk.
Rap music is to Bach preludes as grunting is to debating.
Why is it that basketball players walking in public can't lift their feet when they walk? Is it because their backpacks are too heavy with bottles of MoronAid, or are they just too stupid?
So, why did the Romans not have a Y0K problem? Do you know what zero is in Roman Numerals? Exactly!
A picture is worth a thousand words -- unless you use fractal geometry to paint it. Then it's worth a hundred numbers instead of a million.
MICROBIOLOGY LAB: Staph only. Watch your strep.
If second-hand work means watching other people work, is it harmful to your health?
Televangelists are the pro wrestlers of religion, except that they are not as honest at faking it.
Welcome to Utah. There's no coffee. There's no tea. But there's ME (Mormon Empire). Wine? Are you kidding?
If it weren't for that tattletale archangel Gabriel, Jesus would have been the first person ever conceived by incognito fertilization.
Help prevent the birth of new religions: stamp out virgin births!
If you saw a little sparrow fall, would you help it? Why? God never has.
Pastors who tell you that prayer can heal are even more deluded than those who buy Elvis-sighting maps from hucksters on Sunset Boulevard.
There is a name for people like Jesus, whose biological parents weren't married, but we're too polite to mention it.
Help cut down on cannibalism. Don't celebrate the Eucharist.
Do you think that Creationism will ever evolve into a science?
If Christianity's promise of an afterlife were subject to the laws of commercial fraud, all preachers, popes, and televangelists would be in jail, in the same wing as the snake-oil salesman.
Sticker at the edge of the universe: "No God inside".
'If you want to live in a a country run by religion, move to Iran or Afghanistan. Just don't be caught praying to the wrong god there: you could be executed for doing so. (Just as the Bible advises. Commandment No. 1.)' -- Wayne,
Setting out the complete genetic code for the human genome is only half the battle. We would still need to reverse-engineer it to get at the source code.
If we do untangle the genetic source code, would it read: "Copyright God 0000, Version 1. All rights deserved"? This would only raise the question "Where is Version 2?".
Those who speak of things such as the stock market or public opinion taking a quantum leap do not know much about quantum mechanics. They probably don't even know what Shroedinger's equation is, much less how to solve it.
If you believe that the earth is flat, I can see why you believe in Astral projections -- but why Mercator projections, I ask you?
Is a binary star just an analog one that has gone digital?
If subliminal perception were as pervasive and as effective as some claim, you'd have to be very careful to not look at clouds, at lawns, or at anything that looks organic.
If organic food is that which is grown naturally, where does inorganic food come from? Rocks?
The products of ultra-high-pressure carbon chemistry are a girl's best friend.
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You can e-mail me at waynerp@sympatico.ca