This page includes my tongue-in-cheek look at choosing a car, and some driving and touristing tips, along with supporting images and photos.
My writings are in black. Plagiarized text is in maroon, sometimes highlighted by me in red.
Go Home.
1. Choose the type and model of vehicle that's just right for you. Here is one that gets pretty good gas mileage, although the 0-to-60 mph time has never been recorded yet: http://community.webshots.com/photo/30981394/30981499MRXzGWrGAX
2. Make sure that it can carry all of your family and luggage in comfort. Here are some rugged Mercedes models to consider, both:
a. In good times: http://community.webshots.com/photo/29250651/29316674knzokqrsEB
b. And in bad: http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=114
3. The personalized transporters of President George W. Bush. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=123 _ http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=1
4. Of course, even with a smaller vehicle, it is possible to carry a bit too much luggage, and get really hung up about it. Here is a vehicle which, I am afraid, did not have the ever-so-important load-leveling features of the latest models, much less the Electronic Stability Program, alas. http://community.webshots.com/photo/29250651/29316691qxWcEEdeha
5. If you really must consider a house trailer, here's a model with delightful wood trim for those who just can't stand modern plastics and metal. Although you might think that it is a bit out of date, it pioneered the over-the-cab streamlining feature so popular today in transport trucks to streamline the airflow. And, Chrysler, with Cab-forward design? Eat your heart out! http://community.webshots.com/photo/30981394/30981519UJWvDaTWYP
6. . . . But, if that vehicle is too big for you, and you just must have wood, consider this. http://www.spicyhumor.com/mortorcycle_madness.html
7. If you are travelling light, and need a slightly faster car, here is a nice family car for you -- usually driven on Sundays. Do you think that it could fly? Well, it seems to have wings . . . http://community.webshots.com/photo/27611360/27611767dNKTnKLXyl
8. If that isn't fast enough, and you really do need to cruise at 200 mph, you could do worse than the McLaren F1 -- if you happen to have US$1 million handy, that is. Fifty of them were ordered before the first copy was built -- at a rate of one per month. Only in Britain, you say? It will get you from 0 to 60 mph is 3.1 seconds. http://community.webshots.com/photo/27564377/27564418EpXaPlOECb
9. If that is still not peppy enough to get you to 60 mph, try one of the following faster cars. Does 2.7 seconds sound better? http://www.universalauto.com/speedtimes.html
10. If even that is not fast enough to pull you along the beach for some water skiing, you might have to resort to a somewhat faster vehicle. You should be able to wing it along quite well in the following petite model. Make sure that your feet are securely in the straps on the skis, though. http://community.webshots.com/photo/29250651/29316670EYvvGccLyh
11. Farmer's hotrod with radial-rye tires. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=428
12. Urban SUV for soccer moms. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=1
13. Think milk, liquor, and three wheels, and you might end up riding a Cowasaki. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=176
14. Next Segway? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=420
15. For the pet with a streak of independence -- and maybe a contrail of it, too! http://www.laughparty.com/item.php?tid=2&id=307&sort=title
1. Flame-thrower now an option on S. African cars
As for concerns re car security, forget about those beepers and sirens. Nobody will come for help. They might, instead, be so annoyed at the gratuitous noise of it, that they would be tempted, as I was on more than one occasion, to kick in a fender on the car as retribution for contributing to noise pollution. I think those noise-makers should be outlawed.
No, there is a better way -- especially in a hijacking. One possibility is a help button, as in the Mercedes and Cadillac, linked to a help desk via GPS satellites. There were several such hijackings in Toronto, involving weapons and forcing the victim to strip and raid a teller machine.
Watch the movie: its very short, but very touching and warmhearted!
CNN - Flamethrower now an option on S. African cars - Dec. 11, 1998: http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/africa/9812/11/flame.thrower.car/
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (CNN) -- Crime-obsessed South Africans have a powerful new weapon with which to stop likely criminals: the car flamethrower.
Watch the Blaster at work. QuickTime movie. 2.9 MB, 30 sec.
Casting a man-high fireball, reportedly with no damage to the paint, the Blaster has been placed on 25 South African vehicles since its introduction last month.
At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a cheap, dramatic defense against carjackers. It has yet to be deemed illegal.
South African courts allow killing if convinced that it's in self-defense. The defense is not unheard of. In last year's 13,000 carjackings, criminals often brandished weapons . . .
The Blaster squirts liquefied gas from a bottle in the automobile's trunk through two nozzles, located under the front doors. The gas is then ignited by an electric spark . . .
2. Shin-buster anti-hijack device
No Jack: http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/No_20Jack
This idea was spawned by the South African flame thrower deterrent, but instead of flames, a spring loaded metal bar pops out from under the car disabling the car jacker by striking him in the shins. . . . Does it have a chainsaw function as well? You could run it from a power takeoff arrangement via a central diff. Realistic chainsaw noises may help with the psychological effect.
As I understand it, the chainsaw feature is an optional extra -- in a package which includes a deluxe tissue dispenser and a holster for a pistol. : - ) It is the better alternative to keeping the pistol in the glove-compartment where it just rattles around too much! Also, a loaded pistol, with the safety off, is less likely to fire if kept in a holster. If you think that I am being a bit too flippant, consider this. A fellow employee of good old straight-laced IBM, living in North Carolina, routinely keeps a loaded pistol in his glove compartment. He also carries it with him from his driveway to his front steps when arriving home. But, you ask, loaded, and with the safety off? Yes, indeed. It is not of much use otherwise. It would be too little, too late! If you have decided that you might use it, you had better be able to use it quickly enough -- otherwise it is of less use in defence than a toothpick, or just saying to the thief "How can I help you?"!
3. Cars with pistol holsters? Yes!
The Armed Citizen: http://cvproj.home.texas.net/stdismas/politics/1994.htm
This page is not sponsored, sanctioned or approved by the National Rifle Association 94-04-20
Phoenix resident John Steyer, 56, had to take a detour from his regular route home at 3 a.m. Feeling somewhat uneasy in the unfamiliar neighborhood, Steyer reached under his seat and unsnapped his pistol holster when a van pulled up next to him. Just then one of the van's occupants opened the door and put a revolver to Steyer's head. Steyer knocked the gunman's arm away and grabbed his own pistol, firing once at the criminal's leg. Steyer then sped off and called the police, who found the wounded culprit still lying in the road. Police officials say Steyer did not commit any firearms violations, and he was later cleared of any criminal wrongdoing. (The Daily News Tribune, Tempe, AZ, 04/20/94)
Holsters Anti-Hijack and In-Car Gunleather for Guns: http://www.horseshoe.co.uk/pjcb.htm The JCB like many task-specific holsters, is essentially designed to allow its user to have instant access to a handgun while strapped in behind the wheel of a car.
4. When pistols are not quite enough to care the very best. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=97
5.Guns don't cause anything? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=543
6. Safer flying? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=526
1. As for local transport, what more could the driver do to relieve the sheer boredom of merely driving? It's not all vehicles that have the aquarium option. http://www.visualjokes.com/showpic.php?231
2. If you are considerably bigger than a goldfish, you need something larger to swim in in your vehicle. Consider the portable pool option. It's a Redneck special! http://www.spicyhumor.com/redneck_swimming_pool.html
3. One more word on car selection, and the question of whether you want Windows -- tinted or not: http://www.amusingpics.com/viewimage.php?id=135&file=bmw.jpg
4. Keep track of your time away from home with this timer feature: a revealing Hooters Calendar, printed on genuine paper. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=176
5. Never underestimate the uses for duct tape. http://www.aros.net/~mstahnky/humor/Just%20Plain%20Weird/Uses%20for%20Duct%20Tape.jpg
1. Eye exam. http://www.spicyhumor.com/eye_test.html
2. Eye exam: brace yourself! http://www.spicyhumor.com/hows_your_eyesight.html
1. Why pay more for insurance? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=451 _ http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=434
1. Now that we've got our doggoned licences, let's hit the road, Jack! http://www.laughparty.com/item.php?tid=2&id=654&sort=title
2. Boarding a Stealth plane. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=352
1. Gas prices getting too high? How much is that in metric? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=67
1. Worried that you forgot to take along your cell phone in case of emergency? Calm down. There are lots of phone booths along the way. At worst, it could just be a short walk to the next one. People just don't get out and walk enough these days! http://community.webshots.com/photo/27454915/27605735hJMfWXwGyb
2. For a close-shave situation, here's the cell phone I'd recommend. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=74
3. It's never too late to phone home, especially if they are not flooded with calls on the home front. http://www.spicyhumor.com/i_need_a_lift.html
1. For those for whom a laptop is not gutsy enough, might we recommend the following sturdy PC. Of course, for on-board use, you will need to fit it sideways above the front seats. You will have to bring windows down to accommodate its extended memory -- but, of course, you can still leave Windows up! Oh, and don't forget to use the Wide Load sign. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=6
2. Surely you don't think that Microsoft has become too Titanic a company, do you? http://www.spicyhumor.com/the_bill_gates_empire.html
3. What if operating systems stuck together? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=56
1. It's best to check your rear-view at least once a day -- even if you are in a no-fly zone. Caution: objects in your mirror may be closer than they appear.http://www.spicyhumor.com/road_rage.html ___ http://www.laughparty.com/item.php?tid=2&id=167&sort=title
2. You should also look straight ahead once in a while. http://www.laughparty.com/item.php?tid=2&id=27&sort=title
2. Always seek eye contact with other drivers. http://www.spicyhumor.com/alabama_deer_hunting.html
3. Passengers, too, must buckle up! http://www.spicyhumor.com/pet_safety.html
4. Be careful as to what you nickname your vehicle. http://www.spicyhumor.com/titanic_part_ii.html
5. Don't drink and fly! http://www.drunkbastard.net/photos/witch.jpg
6. If car drivers have to watch out for pedestrians, then what about plane pilots? http://www.visualjokes.com/showpic.php?113
1. And now, for those who have ever watched an F1 race -- and listened to it: The insanity test: http://www.frenzy.com/~jester/racecar.html Be prepared to, at the very least, smile! : - )
2. It's never too early to start training for the F1 circuit. http://www.free-time.ru/humor/photos/auto/38.html
1. How's my driving so far? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=343
2. Bomb on board? http://www.spicyhumor.com/hows_my_driving.html
3. Teed-off yet? http://www.pcisys.net/~versavice/html/body_24.html
1. Rush-Hour of Power? http://www.spicyhumor.com/rush_hour.html
2. Gardens there may be -- but it's not quite Eden yet. http://www.spicyhumor.com/hell_on_earth.html
3. Armageddon ahead? http://www.spicyhumor.com/end_of_earth.html
4. Seek solace by the wayside if thee must. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=605
5. Blessed are the devout! http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=448
6. Deuteronomy 7:20 http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=441
7. Hungry for some sacred manna from Heaven? http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=302
8. ____Angels from their realms -- and prospects so ethereal --
________Sometimes flit about on chariots of mere material. ___ http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=155
9. ____A lovely apparition sent,
________To be a moment's ornament? ___ http://www.funnysnaps.com/iangel.html
10. Humble was I at birth, and humble shall I remain. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=80
11. The new Nissan eX-TERRA-firma: something to really flip over! http://www.laughparty.com/item.php?tid=2&id=706&sort=title
12. When Hell freezes over! http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?id=9&image=7072&cid=115&eid=5052&view=
13. Whose prayers were answered? http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?id=19&image=3735&cid=76&eid=1782&view=
14. A cult by any other name is still a faith. http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?id=18&image=3779&cid=76&eid=1824&view=
15. If all sex is evil, how did your family come about? Why is it worth saving? A message from the Moron Majority. http://www.drunkbastard.net/photos/moral.jpg
1. There are two types of GPS in use today:
a. Global Positioning Satellite Systems.
b. Gawk and Putter-along Slowly.
1. Don't zoom the map out too far. http://thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=95
Go Home ___ Go to Car laughs main contents ___ Continued on page CarLaf15
You can e-mail me at waynerp@sympatico.ca
